The Tortoise and the Hare

The Tortoise and the Hare is probably one of the worst lessons that a child can be taught. “Oh, but it's an Aesop fable, it has such a good moral!” Yeah, well, you're wrong. The basic premise of the story is that a slow-ass turtle beats a really fast rabbit in a race. How can a turtle possibly beat a rabbit in a race? While the rabbit runs really fast, he unfortunately makes the not-so-common racing mistake of taking naps sporadically throughout the race. The tortoise, on the other hand, goes slow. His big secret however, the technique that helps him ultimately win the race, is that he consistently goes at the same pace (slow, in case you forgot). The moral of this story is "slow and steady wins the race." Basically what we are teaching our kids is that to get ahead in life, they must go slow. Not only just go slow, mind you, but consistently go slow. We must go "slow and steady." First of all, I'm pretty sure the saying shouldn't be "slow and steady wins the race," it should be "fast and steady wins the race." Just don't be stupid and take a fucking nap in the middle of the race! What a stupid rabbit! But then again, why is a rabbit racing a turtle anyway? What a terrible lesson to teach our kids. I think we should write a new, updated version of this story where the rabbit finishes the race so fast that the turtle is too embarrassed to continue, and ends up killing himself. That would be a better lesson. Just a thought.